Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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