my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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