Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
