I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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