i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
