You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
