I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
