Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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