This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
