The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
