Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
