11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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