Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
