omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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