need another drink. this is the easiest way
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
