closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
