i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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