He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
