He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Randomize
