i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
