I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
