I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
