Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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