Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
