I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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