My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
