I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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