Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
