So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Randomize
