He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
