Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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