im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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