allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
