Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
