just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
