I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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