she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
