i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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