My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
