so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
