What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
