Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
