idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize