Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
