If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
