she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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