My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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