dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
