so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
