I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
