It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
