Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
