Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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