My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
