I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
