so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
