you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
