Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
