I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
