Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
