you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize