are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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